Friday, Oct. 04, 2002 - 3:19 P.M.
Well, I've wanted to write something all day but haven't had the chance. A big style computer crisis this morning, and a load of things which needed to be shipped, have kept me occupied until just now. It's now nearly 4:30 and I can't be arsed to write anything really substantial. All I want to do is go home, snuggle under my covers, and watch "The Golden Girls". Here's something I wrote in Word the other day and have been meaning to post:
There are many things I’ve been meaning to write about, so many things on my mind. Nearly every time I’ve started to type, I draw blank when faced with the overwhelming task of putting my current emotions and preoccupations into words. That said, I don’t expect the following to be very coherent or linear.
Lee’s gone. He left on Saturday evening and, once again, the airport goodbye was horrible. I’m not sure I’ve ever cried that much before. It just felt completely and totally wrong to let him walk through the security checkpoint and into the gate. Sadly, there was really nothing I could do about it. I had to bite my lip, turn around, and walk out as quickly as I could.
Since then, I’ve been trying, with marginal success, to keep myself occupied. We’ve spoken on the phone numerous times each day, and there’s a lot running through my mind during the times when I’m alone. We lived together for three months, but it was even more intense than most co-habitation arrangements. Everything we did, barring the time I spent at work, we did together. Going from that to not being able to be with him at all is quite extreme and I expected it to be difficult. For the most part, I’m pretty surprised by how well we both seem to be dealing with it. For me, the hardest part is late at night when I’m alone in bed. As such, I haven’t been sleeping well and have overslept every day this week. I suppose all we can do now is look forward to finally being together and that’s exactly what I’m trying to focus on.
There is much to plan and much to contemplate. The way my parents are handling the whole situation is very upsetting. Comments that my Mother has made have been running though my mind continuously. They’ve been making me needlessly question things that I know deep down don’t warrant questioning. I value my Mother’s opinion greatly and respect her very much as both a woman and a parent (for the most part), however, we have VASTLY different views on what constitutes success and happiness and that’s what it making everything so very complicated.
I’m going home for Columbus Day weekend and I know that from the minute I step foot into their home, until the minute I leave, they are going to try to persuade me to change my mind. Discussing the situation with them really isn’t an option because my parents still think I’m five, and do not yet believe I am capable of making my own decisions. God, this whole thing is really quite upsetting and I’m getting worked up just writing about it. Unfortunately that’s part of the problem.
Come next weekend my Mother will pull out all the drama she can muster. She will get plastered on wine, and ramble on and on until I am left speechless and teary-eyed. Fortunately, I know, without a doubt in my mind, where and with whom I want to be and I’ve resolved to stand firm in that decision. No amount of tears or threats can sway me at this point. I’m just really dreading the inevitable ramifications of this decision.
On tap this weekend:
Tonight = studying, lazyness, and pedicure
Tomorrow = TEFL class until 5 and then heading to Providence
Sunday = Kevin, Jef, Kathleen (?) and I are heading to Salem to do some witchy / Halloweeny type autumnal things. YAY for October!
