Monday, Dec. 09, 2002 - 8:44 P.M.

I'm sitting here watching the Billboard Music Awards, and I'm horrified. It's like a bad car wreck, I just can't stop looking. Seriously, so far I've observed that:

• Nelly has the most God awful theatrics I've ever seen but the bitches and ho's out in the audience were eating it up! That's what dancing has come to? Oh my, are we in trouble.

• Chad from Nickelback is indeed, as my boy contends, the ugliest man in rock.

• China, the WWE wrestler, appears to have had more plastic surgery than Orlan. I'm not condeming her. In all truth, she's looking slightly less manly then she did the last time I saw her. Also, she is now blonde.
• OH MY GOD! They're going to broadcast of Wacko Jacko live from Netherland soon. Shit, I was contemplating actually turning this crap off and watching something else. Now I have to watch!

• Although some might call me a music snob, I generally beg to differ. I like many different types of music and there's a lot of undeniably bad crap out there that even I like. I own a Vengaboys CD for Christ's sake! However, shlock is just shlock no matter what some people say. Justin Timberlake is currently preforming one of the worst songs I've ever heard. Now, I'm not positive about this one, but considering that he's said it about 25 times so far, I'm going to guess it's called "Cry Me A River."
• My pal Moby, with whom I have a love / hate relationship, is now presenting Annie Lennox with a lifetime achievment award. Now, love her or hate her, at least the woman has had some innovative and somewhat creative ideas during her career. HA! Moby just said while introducing her that, "Annie Lennox wants everybody to go see 'Bowling for Columbine' which is the most important movie this year." I find that pretty had to believe and am fairly certain that was M's attempt at some sort of political terrorism during an awards show. What a prick. Just shut up and present you herpetic bald little Born Again Christian! Not that I don't think "Bowling for Columbine" is an important movie, I do. I just think that there's a time and a place for everything and that the Billboard Music Awards isn't necessarily the place for activism.
• *Begin rant* Since I was on the topic of Moby and the show is on a commercial break, I'd like to take a minute to write about something that really pisses me off. I found out recently that Mr. Moby is co-owner of a vegan restaurant and tea place in NYC with someone I once worked with at a bar in Harvard Square. Now, truth be told, I'm sure there's some jealously involved in my feelings concerning the matter. Nevertheless, the aforementioned former co-woker of mine whom I'll call Kelly ('cause, erm, that's her name) was a complete and total bitch. We didn't get along at all. She was completely condescending and made me feel like shit during most of the time we worked together. Then she runs off to NY, starts dating Moby, conceives the idea of opening shop with him, breaks up with Moby, and yet he still fronts the money to open the joint? I'm sure she's currently rolling in it, attending art parties, and hanging out with that asshole Damien Hirst. Yes, I'll admit it, I hate her for it even more than I did before. *End rant*

• Is it really, really wrong that I kind of think Fred Dirst is a little bit hot? Maybe what's worse is that I just admitted it.

• Who the hell is this Puddle of Mud? More like, Puddle of Crap! This is even too much for me to find entertaining. OOOOOHHHHH! Blatant Nirvana guitar and vocal rip-offs - how brilliant! I can't take this anymore.

• There's some guy that's been on the chart's at #1 for eight weeks and I've never seen him before in my life.

• Oooh, Steven Tyler! My mom finds him sexy. I find that disturbing. I once had a very vivid dream in which ST and I did blow and then had sex in public areas of some swank hotel. I find that even more disturbing. CHER!! He's going to give an award to CHER! Hmmm, this is obviously the night for cosmetic surgery overload.

• I think I need some of those assless pants like the ones she wore the the video with all the sailors. It appears that my wardrobe is sorely lacking in the assless pants department. *Note to self, remedy this situation ASAP*

• Oh no, she's back!! The Bob Mackie wearing, tounge waggling diva has been reborn in all her former glory! I haven't seen her this tarted up in ages. FANTASTIC. Drag queens the world over must be wetting themselves right now. Hmmm, she just said, "I've been doing this for what, five decades now? I wasn't sure which Cher to be so I decided to go back to the vintage Bob Mackie days." Did I call it or what? Damn, sometimes I'm good.

• To: Faith Hill
  From: Erica B.
  Re: Your Career
  Shut up, you're annoying. That is all.

• Chris Tucker is introducing Michael Jakson. Man, has Mr. Tucker beefed up since I last saw him. He's all buff and shit now! He looks like a different person.

• Jacko is speaking!! Ssssssshhhhhhhhh! Simmer down now people, simmer down! Tucker looks scared of him. I mean, who wouldn't be? The guy is a bonafide freak of nature. Picture it, two once black men are sitting next to one another. The one on the right is about five shades lighter than the cream colored satin blouse he's sporting. He's so white he practically glows! I'm not even going to address the nose because well, frankly, I find it far too frightening.

• I'm beginning to regret starting this because now I feel compelled to continue even though I'm rapidly losing interest.

• I only just now realized who is presenting this damn thing. Lee, it's Cedric The Entertainer!!!!! Go Cedric, go Cedric, go Cedric, it's your birthday, Go! Go! Go!

• Chuck D is currently narrating the obligatory Jam Master J retrospective. Hmmmm, that was really sad. Wait a second here. He just said that the world was saddened during the 90's by the loss of Kurt Cobain, Tupac, and Biggie. He then went on to say that each artist was influenced by RunDMC. Would someone care to tell me how this is true in the case of Nirvana? Thanks.

• I better hear some "Christmas in Hollis" during this little all star medley tribute sometime soon.

• Ice T is now rapping. Everytime I've gone home during the last year of so, my Mom makes a point of telling me how much she loves Ice T. This, much like her perving over Steven Tyler, bothers me.

• Oh, thank Jeebus it's over! AND Avril Levigne's S8er Boi closed out the show. Now that's a prime example of musical cheese that I love. Folks, it doesn't get much better than that.

OK, phew . . . I'm off to make some Sleepy Time tea and curl up with my new F. L. Block book. Night, night!

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