Wednesday, Dec. 11, 2002 - 9:56 A.M.
Here's what happens when I wake up in the morning already knowing that I'm going to be the only person in the office all day long:
- I stay in bed until 8:28
- I shower, pick out an outfit consitsting of jeans, big black boots, close fitting "Super Furry Animals" T-shirt, and a black collared seater that zips up the front. To this ensemble I add a big sparkly orange bracelet and my usual pair of rings.
- I take my sweet time packing all the essentials needed for a day alone at the office. Essentials include CD's, a book, lunch, MiniDisc player, and unfinished Christmas cards.
- I exit the house at 8:55 and arrive at work at 9:15 not caring at all that I'm 15 minutes late.
- I spend my first hour at work listening to choons, emailing, and reading diaries, before beginning to type this entry. Truth be told, that's not really a departure from my normal morning work activities.
Last night Kevin graced me with an evening of his company. It was really, really fun even though we didn't do much at all. We rented some movies which we never got around to watching, drank coffee, looked at his sister's wedding website, watched "The Real World," and the watched "Real Life: I'm at Fat Camp" on MTV. Oh my sweet Jeebus was that riveting. D, I can totally see why you and Mike had a difficult time tearing yourselves away from it on Saturday night!
Essentially, it was an hour long show which profiled the experiences of three young adults at fat camp. It was simultaneously heart wrenching and repulsive. There was this one camper, Ben, who was kind of the underdog. We were definintely routing for him all the way. When Ben entered fat camp he was a good 386, but he'd lost 50 pounds (or something close to that) by the time he left and continued to lose once home! The highlight of the Ben clips surely had to be either when he was pictured dancing rave style complete with glowsticks, or doing a lambada-esque dance while sandwhiched between two honeys. Actually the fact that his father appears to be a flamboyant gay man of the Fred Schnieder ilk was also pretty damn intriguing. Apparently, fat camp is a total meat market. Who knew?
Then there was this girl whose name I've already forgotten. Although she was supposedly from Florida, she was a Long Island type chica all the way. All the little bitch did was whine, complain, and pout. The self-proclaimed "princess of summer camp" even tried to get her mother to take her home a week early. When they showed shots of her at home, we noticed that her room was decorated entirely with pictures of Justin Timberlake. That's right folks, this girl was the teenybopper to end all teenyboppers. In fact the final note on her said that since her former love interest had moved away, she was looking for someone a little more like Justin. *retch*
Anyway, whether annoying or compelling, obese or merely chubby, all the people profiled were in the same boat. They were unhappy with their bodies. I know what that's like and it's a horrible position to be in. If there's been one constant theme in my life for as long as I can remember, it's been my weight. Whether battling the chub or anorexia, weight issues are always on my mind. I never EVER eat anything without first thinking about how it's going to effect my weight. It's a very frustrating and tiresome position to be in but it's the way my mind works and unfortunately no amount of therapy, positive self-assurance, or medication is ever going to change that.
At one point another person who was profiled on the show said that she gets angry that she has to work so hard to have a normal body. This is something to which I can relate because yes, it does suck. I hate people who are naturally thin and I'm not ashamed to admit it. It absolutely fucking kills me that there are people who can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. It is beyond my comprehension that there are people out there that don't live with this constant issue of weight and food and body image and blah, blah, blah. I just can't even imagine what that would be like. I find this all so very, very sad.
Yes, I am doing something about it. Yes, I am on a diet. I really, really wish I could be one of those people who didn't care, one of those people who think being chubby is ok. Unfortunately I can't, I just can't. I hate that I get nervous everytime my boyfriend touches what I perceive to be my "fat stomach," even though I know he thinks that I'm beautiful. I hate that when people are rude to me, I automatically think it's because they think I'm fat. The truth is though, that's how it is with me and the only way I know how to solve that is by losing weight.
I honestly don't know where I'm going with this. All I wanted to say was that the fat camp show made me want to laugh and it made me want to cry. I think it really, really sucks that our culture places so much emphasis on body size and that almost every single woman (and many of the men) I know has issues with her self-image in one way or another. That's it really. It just sucks.
On a final note I'd like to send a big semi-public "FUCK YOU" to one John Imhoff. Although I haven't seen you since the 8th grade, I'm sure you're still a complete asshole. Also, you probably have a small dick. Boys like you should be strung by their toenails. Whatever you thought gave you the right to torment me like you did, I'm not sure but you fucked me up good and started me on a path of self-hatred that I've never been able to repair. I hope you're happy with yourself you complete twat.
Hmmmm - that's interesting. I'm actually in a really good mood today, feel very cute in my snazzy office innappropriate outfit, and am happy with my WW progress thus far. That kind of came out of nowhere but I definitely feel a hell of a lot lighter for getting it off my chest.
